I was at Walmart a few weeks ago and Melissa (my daughter) called me on my cell to ask if I would buy a scale (we haven't had one since I threw our other one away after I weighed in at the doctor and saw that I was about 6 lbs heavier than my scale showed). So I bought it (regretfully). I was surprised, when I stepped on it, to find that I was at 150 lbs! I don't think I even reached 150 lbs with any of my pregnancies. Maybe with Angela, but I was back down to 110 by the time she was 6 mos.
I've been very tempted these last few weeks to go on the non weight-gaining $50/month medication simply because I’m not sure if, (since I went off the medicine for a few months and went back on again) I will continue gaining more and more weight. I kind of peaked at about 146 when I was on it before and the fact that I started gaining again is a bit scary. But I did some internet research on the new medicine and don't like what I saw people post about it’s side effects at all. So after praying that God would give me some sort of sign to assure me that I could go on this new medication (it‘s only 2-3 months on the market), he scared me away from it. lol
He is working mightily through all of this. Sanctifying me. I know this may sound foreign to anyone who has not battled with a poor self-image, or should I say, anyone who hasn’t lived their life believing that their total self-worth was tied up in how they look (although having self-worth tied up in job or friends or anything other than God isn't any better). Yet at times I feel embarrassed to even write this kind of stuff in my blog. Sometimes I feel like maybe it's just me. But I know that's not true. I can see, even in my own daughters, the effects of a culture that is screaming everywhere, to girls, that beauty is everything. I grew up with it.
I am so grateful to God for this trial. I am learning to really believe that my body is not me. It does not define me or my value. I have a long way to go for sure, but I am seeing changes in my thinking. When I first began putting on weight and up until very recently in-fact, I felt as though I were hovering between two resting places. On one side, I saw rest with God….a looking away from self to Him and finding my peace and confidence in Him. And on the other side I saw a very comfortable and familiar rest with self….an obsessive looking to self, (my body, my looks) and desiring so strongly to pour myself into that (knocking myself out exercising and dieting to lose weight) so that I could find peace and confidence in me. I felt torn between these two (I actually still do sometimes). My flesh wanted to continue the well-trodden path I’d been on, but I knew that there was no real peace and rest there at all, and so I strongly desired to be where I knew I'd find true rest.
The problem was that I couldn’t (for quite awhile) rest in either place. Every time I tried to turn my focus to self for peace, I felt the hand of God moving it away. (Examples: Allowing *ordaining* ailments that caused me to go on the meds in the first place/ Causing a recurrence of pain after I went off the meds so I had to go back on/Closing doors to try other medications/A general feeling of prodding by God to not turn to self…even an inability to rest there I‘d say). Yet, when I tried to get to the side where my true peace and rest could be found, I just didn’t know how to get there. I couldn’t make myself stop feeling like I had to prove my self worth by losing the weight. This sort of “rest” was so ingrained in me. But over time, through prayerful pleadings that God would help me to rest in Him instead of self, and quoting the truth (Scripture) to counteract the lies (the flesh, the culture, Satan), I feel like I have made much progress toward resting in Him, and who I am in Him, instead of what I look like in this body. I’m not saying the struggle is over. But I am hopeful and joyful as I continue to move closer to true rest in God and further from false rest in self.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
UPDATE: It looks like I will be staying on the Amitriptyline for now. And I am fine with that. I really do see a noticeable change in my thinking as I deal with the fact that I am unable to diet and exercise my way back down to a size 6. This is good for me. Sometime soon I want to do a post about how being on this medicine is also changing my relationship with food (for the better).
Monday, January 4, 2010
The Pain of Sanctification
Well, it’s been almost a month since my painful wake-up in the middle of the night. I’ve had an MRI and I’ve been to my regular physician, a neck/back specialist and my neurologist. The results of the MRI is that I have a mild extrusion of the disc in the C5-C6 area of my neck (a bulging disc). I also have the same in my low back, which has been causing pain problems again. I’m off the muscle relaxants and the ibuprofin, but I’m back on “amitriptyline”, which is a chronic pain medication that I just got off of in August after being on for a year and a half. My neurologist prescribed this after diagnosing me with Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome, which is sort of like Fibromyalgia, but not as bad. The only symptoms I really have from it are a burning like pain throughout my neck, face, chest and arms periodically. It kind of feels like sunburn. And I also have pressure points all along the sides of my body that hurt if I press on them. Sometimes my husband will just tap me and it will hurt. I probably wouldn’t have stayed on it, but the pain medicine helped my neck pain so much that I did.
I spoke in my last post about God using pain to sanctify us, to make us more like Christ. And I am not unaware of how God has been using my pain to sanctify me. For one, pain humbles me. It makes me kinder. Maybe it does the opposite for some. But physical and severe emotional pain makes me feel weak and it slows me down so that I don’t react to things as fast (like snapping at Rich or the kids) and it just overall makes me gentler and quieter. God has used pain to bring me to this state many times. One time I had 3 canker sores in my mouth (one on my tongue) and I literally couldn’t talk without severe pain for several days. That was a good learning time for me.
Besides just generally causing me to slow down and quiet and humble me, here is how I believe God is using my pain and situation to sanctify me: Since I was a teenager I have always had an obsession about my appearance and my weight. Struggling with acne probably (it did) brought about my obsession with my appearance, and I suspect that the combination of dissatisfaction with myself and compliments from others about my petite size made me sort of latch on to this body image as the thing that made me count for anything. I had always been a size 6 or smaller (except when I was pregnant with Angela -my first) and even then I exercised to extreme afterward, even injuring my knee in the process.
Several years ago, I began to realize that this preoccupation with my body and appearance were sinful, and God showed me how caught up I was in this and how much my sense of value was caught up in this and I confessed my sin to Him and asked him to help me let go of this, focus on Him, and value myself in a godly way. Well, this is a lot easier said than done. Especially when I was so used to these feelings and this inner thought life…it permeated my very being. Well, I continued to wrestle with this and pray about it, asking God to help me in this area and give me godly thoughts, and then (2-2 ½ years ago), after finishing physical therapy for my neck and back at Sister Kenny, I was having severe burning pain as I described above and was diagnosed with the Chronic Myofascial, and the doctor prescribed amitriptyline. One of the side effects, (that I didn’t know at the time) was “excessive weight gain”. I eventually gained 25 lbs on this medication and when I realized this was happening because of the medicine and that no matter how much I exercised or restricted my eating, I couldn’t lose the weight, I made an appt. with my neurologist to talk about switching medications. Prior to this, we had gone through some severe financial woes and we were on a very strict budget. Well, the other medication that the doctor wanted to put me on would cost me too much out of pocket. We couldn’t afford it. So I went home and continued to struggle with anxiety as the pounds were being put on. For many, this would not be a big deal. For me, it was a horrendous feeling of losing control and of utter disgust with myself.
Well, God allowed me to battle through these feelings and make progress. I dealt with and prayed through these feelings I was having and felt good about the progress I was making. My neck and back were feeling good and I decided (last August) to take the step of going off the amitriptyline. For 3 ½ months, things went well. I continued to do my stretches daily and my strengthening exercises twice a week and I’d get sore sometimes, but no out of control pain. As the weight began to come off, I found that my thought-life was beginning to fall into old patterns again and I found myself desiring to lose all the weight. In the past, whenever I would gain weight, I would do everything necessary to lose it. I felt that old impulse kick in and yet I knew the motive behind it was not godly, but selfish. It wasn’t about being healthy, and honoring God, but about looking good and drawing attention to myself.
I battled these thoughts and feelings, some days feeling like I was winning and some days losing, till 4 weeks ago, I awoke with searing pain in my neck. Nothing but the amitriptyline gives me real relief. I don’t think this is all a coincidence. I believe that God is in the business of graciously sanctifying me at painful costs. Today I had an appt. with my neurologist. I talked to him again about alternative medications. He gave me some samples of a new one that came out 2 months ago. I called my pharmacy to ask how much this would cost me. They said $50/month. This may not seem like a lot to some, but finances are tight, especially when I’m going to go through more therapy next month, and my amitriptyline cost’s me $3/month. Now I have a decision to make, but I don’t doubt that if I make the wrong one, God will correct me, for my own good, because He loves me and He knows that self-obsession leads to emptiness, dissatisfaction, and depression and God-obsession leads to fullness and satisfaction and joy.
I spoke in my last post about God using pain to sanctify us, to make us more like Christ. And I am not unaware of how God has been using my pain to sanctify me. For one, pain humbles me. It makes me kinder. Maybe it does the opposite for some. But physical and severe emotional pain makes me feel weak and it slows me down so that I don’t react to things as fast (like snapping at Rich or the kids) and it just overall makes me gentler and quieter. God has used pain to bring me to this state many times. One time I had 3 canker sores in my mouth (one on my tongue) and I literally couldn’t talk without severe pain for several days. That was a good learning time for me.
Besides just generally causing me to slow down and quiet and humble me, here is how I believe God is using my pain and situation to sanctify me: Since I was a teenager I have always had an obsession about my appearance and my weight. Struggling with acne probably (it did) brought about my obsession with my appearance, and I suspect that the combination of dissatisfaction with myself and compliments from others about my petite size made me sort of latch on to this body image as the thing that made me count for anything. I had always been a size 6 or smaller (except when I was pregnant with Angela -my first) and even then I exercised to extreme afterward, even injuring my knee in the process.
Several years ago, I began to realize that this preoccupation with my body and appearance were sinful, and God showed me how caught up I was in this and how much my sense of value was caught up in this and I confessed my sin to Him and asked him to help me let go of this, focus on Him, and value myself in a godly way. Well, this is a lot easier said than done. Especially when I was so used to these feelings and this inner thought life…it permeated my very being. Well, I continued to wrestle with this and pray about it, asking God to help me in this area and give me godly thoughts, and then (2-2 ½ years ago), after finishing physical therapy for my neck and back at Sister Kenny, I was having severe burning pain as I described above and was diagnosed with the Chronic Myofascial, and the doctor prescribed amitriptyline. One of the side effects, (that I didn’t know at the time) was “excessive weight gain”. I eventually gained 25 lbs on this medication and when I realized this was happening because of the medicine and that no matter how much I exercised or restricted my eating, I couldn’t lose the weight, I made an appt. with my neurologist to talk about switching medications. Prior to this, we had gone through some severe financial woes and we were on a very strict budget. Well, the other medication that the doctor wanted to put me on would cost me too much out of pocket. We couldn’t afford it. So I went home and continued to struggle with anxiety as the pounds were being put on. For many, this would not be a big deal. For me, it was a horrendous feeling of losing control and of utter disgust with myself.
Well, God allowed me to battle through these feelings and make progress. I dealt with and prayed through these feelings I was having and felt good about the progress I was making. My neck and back were feeling good and I decided (last August) to take the step of going off the amitriptyline. For 3 ½ months, things went well. I continued to do my stretches daily and my strengthening exercises twice a week and I’d get sore sometimes, but no out of control pain. As the weight began to come off, I found that my thought-life was beginning to fall into old patterns again and I found myself desiring to lose all the weight. In the past, whenever I would gain weight, I would do everything necessary to lose it. I felt that old impulse kick in and yet I knew the motive behind it was not godly, but selfish. It wasn’t about being healthy, and honoring God, but about looking good and drawing attention to myself.
I battled these thoughts and feelings, some days feeling like I was winning and some days losing, till 4 weeks ago, I awoke with searing pain in my neck. Nothing but the amitriptyline gives me real relief. I don’t think this is all a coincidence. I believe that God is in the business of graciously sanctifying me at painful costs. Today I had an appt. with my neurologist. I talked to him again about alternative medications. He gave me some samples of a new one that came out 2 months ago. I called my pharmacy to ask how much this would cost me. They said $50/month. This may not seem like a lot to some, but finances are tight, especially when I’m going to go through more therapy next month, and my amitriptyline cost’s me $3/month. Now I have a decision to make, but I don’t doubt that if I make the wrong one, God will correct me, for my own good, because He loves me and He knows that self-obsession leads to emptiness, dissatisfaction, and depression and God-obsession leads to fullness and satisfaction and joy.
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