Food Idolatry

Well, here's where I am on this roller-coaster ride of chronic pain and medication: For two reasons I started to go down on the meds again a couple weeks ago. 1. I was experiencing one of the side effects (dry mouth) much more acutely than I had on the full dose ever before. I don't know if this was because I repeatedly went on and off of it several times or what, but the dry mouth got so bad that sometimes I would literally choke for no moisture in my mouth. Especially at night I would wake up several times and literally have to sit up quickly and grab the water bottle on my nightstand because I was choking. 2. Even though I seemed to plateau at 150 lbs., I felt increasingly tight in all my new (used) larger sized clothes that I had bought (I won't say what size - 150 lbs is discriptive enough :)

The first reason was definately the more serious one that really moved me to start tapering again, but the thought of going out and buying new clothes again in a bigger size didn't thrill me either. So, now I have been sitting at 30mg (I topped at between 50-60) for about a week, and then 2 days ago I had another neck spasm that increased the pain greatly. But I'm treating it and continuing to stay on the same dose. Going down to 30 mg has taken away the more serious dry mouth that I had, but didn't get rid of my weight gain so much, and this leads me to my next topic: Dealing with my over-eating and food idolatry.

Food. It's hard to live with it (in a way that's healthy and honoring to God), but you can't live without it. When I was younger I could eat as much as I wanted without really gaining weight. So I did. After age 33, when my relationship really grew (or began?) with Christ, his Spirit gradually started convincting me of my gluttony. You know, eating a 2nd or 3rd helping when 1 was sufficient. Eating 6 pieces of pizza and then 2 desserts when 2 or 3 pieces and one dessert was plenty. Sugar is especially a problem for me. Over the years I've had little bouts of what I would describe as "binges". I'd eat normally for awhile and then some stress would arise or maybe I was even just bored and I'd find myself eating and eating way past the point of hunger, sometimes even to the point of nausea.

I remember reading a book awhile ago called, "Diary of a Fat Housewife." At the time I was not over-weight, but I recognized in her the same continuous up and down roller-coaster ride with food addiction. Being very careful and eating in moderation, and then eating way too much (repeat). And like her, a lot of my binges centered around sweets. I've long known that I need to stay away from sweets. But inevitably I convince myself that I can handle them in moderation. Sometimes I can, but typically I begin to recognize that I'm eating too much of them and that I need to stop all together and that's when I binge..you know, get as much as I can before I have to stop.

So why is this so important to me? Because I know in my heart that food often turns to idolatry and I too often love it and treasure it more than I do God, which is a sin. And I know that all of the happiness that I get from over-eating inevitably leads to emptiness and depression and I don't want to succumb to these deceptive temptations any longer. I know that it is only in Christ that I can find true joy and satisfaction, not in over-eating or even in food. And I want to pursue and serve Him with all my heart and soul.

For no one can serve two masters, for he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. - Matthew 6:24

I realize that this passage is talking about money, but I could easily insert "food" there, and it is so true that when I am in the midst of my over-eating, I am turning away from God and serving my gluttony, and I don't want to do that. So here I am. For the past week I have been eating only enough to fill me up, I have eaten no desserts, and I have lost a few lbs and feel amazingly better physically, emotionally and spiritually. And yet I'm well aware of the other issues I have, that I've already shared, with body image. And I know the danger of getting caught back up in that again. So I pray that God would set me free from both setting my heart's affections on food instead of on Him, and from setting my heart's affections on getting down to a certain size and looking a certain way instead of Him. Lord, please do it.