My daughter posted this video on Facebook of Francis Chan preaching a message that is very convicting and I'm posting it here because I can't recommend it more highly.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
As you can see, I'm a lousy blogger. I could say I'm too busy, but mostly I just feel like I don't have anything profound to say. It's been 2 1/2 months since I posted and I'm doing well. Pain-wise, I'm doing great. I haven't had any major issues with muscle spasms in a few months and I haven't had to temporarily up the medication, like I have in the past, because I've built up a tolerance. And I've been sleeping well (except for the past few nights as I've been fighting a miserable cold/cough), and so I feel extremely blessed health-wise.
Concerning my on-going battle with food, I'm doing very well (thank you, Lord). I have been eating in moderation since I last posted and I really feel good physically. I'd like to say I'm down to 140, because that's what I was down to 3 days ago, before I contracted this cold, but since the cold put a stop to exercise, I've put 2 lbs back on. I'm not upset about it though. I really do feel like I'm growing in my ability to eat healthy (and in moderation) because it honors God and it's good for my body, and feel my desire for a perfect size 6 shrinking (don't know if It'll ever be 100% in this life, though).
I'm realizing lately what an addictive personality I have (maybe "obsessive" would be a better choice of words). I remember our pastor once saying that when he gets a new pack of gum, he chews every piece, one right after the other, till it's gone. That's me. If I start something new, I can't think of anything but that new project (ok, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean). So it isn't difficult for me to turn my affections and attention away from God to immerse myself in whatever the latest project, hobbie or interest I happen to be involved in. I'm also realizing that skimping on my time with the Lord and instead, immersing myself in hobbies, tv, food, or whatever else, never ever ever ever ever ever ever (i know that's a lot of "evers" but I'm 44) leads to happiness, peace and contentment. Just the opposite, in-fact. It leads to an appetite that's never satisfied. A verse comes to mind: "Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and never satisfied are the eyes of man." - Proverbs 27:20. When I set my affections on created things rather than the Creator, I want more, more, MORE! And yet I'm never satisfied.
Not only is it my duty to obey and give glory to the God, (through Jesus) who created me, but I am never truly satisfied unless I'm doing just that. I wonder how many more times I'll have to learn this again before I die. Thank-you, Jesus.
Concerning my on-going battle with food, I'm doing very well (thank you, Lord). I have been eating in moderation since I last posted and I really feel good physically. I'd like to say I'm down to 140, because that's what I was down to 3 days ago, before I contracted this cold, but since the cold put a stop to exercise, I've put 2 lbs back on. I'm not upset about it though. I really do feel like I'm growing in my ability to eat healthy (and in moderation) because it honors God and it's good for my body, and feel my desire for a perfect size 6 shrinking (don't know if It'll ever be 100% in this life, though).
I'm realizing lately what an addictive personality I have (maybe "obsessive" would be a better choice of words). I remember our pastor once saying that when he gets a new pack of gum, he chews every piece, one right after the other, till it's gone. That's me. If I start something new, I can't think of anything but that new project (ok, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean). So it isn't difficult for me to turn my affections and attention away from God to immerse myself in whatever the latest project, hobbie or interest I happen to be involved in. I'm also realizing that skimping on my time with the Lord and instead, immersing myself in hobbies, tv, food, or whatever else, never ever ever ever ever ever ever (i know that's a lot of "evers" but I'm 44) leads to happiness, peace and contentment. Just the opposite, in-fact. It leads to an appetite that's never satisfied. A verse comes to mind: "Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and never satisfied are the eyes of man." - Proverbs 27:20. When I set my affections on created things rather than the Creator, I want more, more, MORE! And yet I'm never satisfied.
Not only is it my duty to obey and give glory to the God, (through Jesus) who created me, but I am never truly satisfied unless I'm doing just that. I wonder how many more times I'll have to learn this again before I die. Thank-you, Jesus.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The saga continues...
I haven't had any sugar in 2 months. I've lost 10 lbs. I feel great and I'm off my medication. Ok, now back to reality: I've eaten sugar off and on. I still weigh 150 lbs. I don't feel that great, and I'm on my full dose of medication. But the good news is that I feel God at work in removing my perfectionistic obsession with body size. I can actually look at myself in a full mirror without cringing, and determining to do everything in my power to lose it all, and fast! I prayed for months (before I went on the medication) that God would set me free from this perfectionism (which is just another word for self-obsession), so I have no doubt that this is all part of His loving, and good plan to free me. I can see His hand at work, even in my growing desire to be more like Jesus and less like a perfect size 6.
I am still trying to deal with my sugar addiction though, because it does tend to get out of control for me and become an idol in my life, which I don't want. I've basically declared war on sugar desserts, and I'm experimenting to see if it works to allow myself one dessert a week. So far this has been working (and I've been on it for a WHOLE week, so I know it'll last! haha). But we'll see. If it doesn't work then I think I'll just have to have a going-away-party for desserts (I'll only serve vegetables). Seriously, it is easier for me to totally abstain from desserts than to just eat regularly in moderation. I did it for about 2 yrs many moons ago. The sad thing is, the reason that it was so easy back then is because I had a passionate goal: To be and stay thin. The sad part being that I had more passion and determination to eat healthy when it was for self-exaltation than I do when it's to exalt God with my eating/abstaining. I pray that He increases my passion for His glory.
I really am amazed at how God works through all of our difficulties, pain, (and even our sins) to change us. He wastes nothing. This makes me think about other ways in which God has changed/is changing me and how so often it is through pain that He works. Even pain inflicted by another person's sin. Our pastor wrote an article called, "Is God less glorious because He ordained that evil be?" This is an amazing sermon that opened my eyes to God's sovereignty over sin as seen in Scripture. I'd encourage you to read it here.
I am still trying to deal with my sugar addiction though, because it does tend to get out of control for me and become an idol in my life, which I don't want. I've basically declared war on sugar desserts, and I'm experimenting to see if it works to allow myself one dessert a week. So far this has been working (and I've been on it for a WHOLE week, so I know it'll last! haha). But we'll see. If it doesn't work then I think I'll just have to have a going-away-party for desserts (I'll only serve vegetables). Seriously, it is easier for me to totally abstain from desserts than to just eat regularly in moderation. I did it for about 2 yrs many moons ago. The sad thing is, the reason that it was so easy back then is because I had a passionate goal: To be and stay thin. The sad part being that I had more passion and determination to eat healthy when it was for self-exaltation than I do when it's to exalt God with my eating/abstaining. I pray that He increases my passion for His glory.
I really am amazed at how God works through all of our difficulties, pain, (and even our sins) to change us. He wastes nothing. This makes me think about other ways in which God has changed/is changing me and how so often it is through pain that He works. Even pain inflicted by another person's sin. Our pastor wrote an article called, "Is God less glorious because He ordained that evil be?" This is an amazing sermon that opened my eyes to God's sovereignty over sin as seen in Scripture. I'd encourage you to read it here.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Food Idolatry
Well, here's where I am on this roller-coaster ride of chronic pain and medication: For two reasons I started to go down on the meds again a couple weeks ago. 1. I was experiencing one of the side effects (dry mouth) much more acutely than I had on the full dose ever before. I don't know if this was because I repeatedly went on and off of it several times or what, but the dry mouth got so bad that sometimes I would literally choke for no moisture in my mouth. Especially at night I would wake up several times and literally have to sit up quickly and grab the water bottle on my nightstand because I was choking. 2. Even though I seemed to plateau at 150 lbs., I felt increasingly tight in all my new (used) larger sized clothes that I had bought (I won't say what size - 150 lbs is discriptive enough :)
The first reason was definately the more serious one that really moved me to start tapering again, but the thought of going out and buying new clothes again in a bigger size didn't thrill me either. So, now I have been sitting at 30mg (I topped at between 50-60) for about a week, and then 2 days ago I had another neck spasm that increased the pain greatly. But I'm treating it and continuing to stay on the same dose. Going down to 30 mg has taken away the more serious dry mouth that I had, but didn't get rid of my weight gain so much, and this leads me to my next topic: Dealing with my over-eating and food idolatry.
Food. It's hard to live with it (in a way that's healthy and honoring to God), but you can't live without it. When I was younger I could eat as much as I wanted without really gaining weight. So I did. After age 33, when my relationship really grew (or began?) with Christ, his Spirit gradually started convincting me of my gluttony. You know, eating a 2nd or 3rd helping when 1 was sufficient. Eating 6 pieces of pizza and then 2 desserts when 2 or 3 pieces and one dessert was plenty. Sugar is especially a problem for me. Over the years I've had little bouts of what I would describe as "binges". I'd eat normally for awhile and then some stress would arise or maybe I was even just bored and I'd find myself eating and eating way past the point of hunger, sometimes even to the point of nausea.
I remember reading a book awhile ago called, "Diary of a Fat Housewife." At the time I was not over-weight, but I recognized in her the same continuous up and down roller-coaster ride with food addiction. Being very careful and eating in moderation, and then eating way too much (repeat). And like her, a lot of my binges centered around sweets. I've long known that I need to stay away from sweets. But inevitably I convince myself that I can handle them in moderation. Sometimes I can, but typically I begin to recognize that I'm eating too much of them and that I need to stop all together and that's when I binge..you know, get as much as I can before I have to stop.
So why is this so important to me? Because I know in my heart that food often turns to idolatry and I too often love it and treasure it more than I do God, which is a sin. And I know that all of the happiness that I get from over-eating inevitably leads to emptiness and depression and I don't want to succumb to these deceptive temptations any longer. I know that it is only in Christ that I can find true joy and satisfaction, not in over-eating or even in food. And I want to pursue and serve Him with all my heart and soul.
For no one can serve two masters, for he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. - Matthew 6:24
I realize that this passage is talking about money, but I could easily insert "food" there, and it is so true that when I am in the midst of my over-eating, I am turning away from God and serving my gluttony, and I don't want to do that. So here I am. For the past week I have been eating only enough to fill me up, I have eaten no desserts, and I have lost a few lbs and feel amazingly better physically, emotionally and spiritually. And yet I'm well aware of the other issues I have, that I've already shared, with body image. And I know the danger of getting caught back up in that again. So I pray that God would set me free from both setting my heart's affections on food instead of on Him, and from setting my heart's affections on getting down to a certain size and looking a certain way instead of Him. Lord, please do it.
The first reason was definately the more serious one that really moved me to start tapering again, but the thought of going out and buying new clothes again in a bigger size didn't thrill me either. So, now I have been sitting at 30mg (I topped at between 50-60) for about a week, and then 2 days ago I had another neck spasm that increased the pain greatly. But I'm treating it and continuing to stay on the same dose. Going down to 30 mg has taken away the more serious dry mouth that I had, but didn't get rid of my weight gain so much, and this leads me to my next topic: Dealing with my over-eating and food idolatry.
Food. It's hard to live with it (in a way that's healthy and honoring to God), but you can't live without it. When I was younger I could eat as much as I wanted without really gaining weight. So I did. After age 33, when my relationship really grew (or began?) with Christ, his Spirit gradually started convincting me of my gluttony. You know, eating a 2nd or 3rd helping when 1 was sufficient. Eating 6 pieces of pizza and then 2 desserts when 2 or 3 pieces and one dessert was plenty. Sugar is especially a problem for me. Over the years I've had little bouts of what I would describe as "binges". I'd eat normally for awhile and then some stress would arise or maybe I was even just bored and I'd find myself eating and eating way past the point of hunger, sometimes even to the point of nausea.
I remember reading a book awhile ago called, "Diary of a Fat Housewife." At the time I was not over-weight, but I recognized in her the same continuous up and down roller-coaster ride with food addiction. Being very careful and eating in moderation, and then eating way too much (repeat). And like her, a lot of my binges centered around sweets. I've long known that I need to stay away from sweets. But inevitably I convince myself that I can handle them in moderation. Sometimes I can, but typically I begin to recognize that I'm eating too much of them and that I need to stop all together and that's when I binge..you know, get as much as I can before I have to stop.
So why is this so important to me? Because I know in my heart that food often turns to idolatry and I too often love it and treasure it more than I do God, which is a sin. And I know that all of the happiness that I get from over-eating inevitably leads to emptiness and depression and I don't want to succumb to these deceptive temptations any longer. I know that it is only in Christ that I can find true joy and satisfaction, not in over-eating or even in food. And I want to pursue and serve Him with all my heart and soul.
For no one can serve two masters, for he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. - Matthew 6:24
I realize that this passage is talking about money, but I could easily insert "food" there, and it is so true that when I am in the midst of my over-eating, I am turning away from God and serving my gluttony, and I don't want to do that. So here I am. For the past week I have been eating only enough to fill me up, I have eaten no desserts, and I have lost a few lbs and feel amazingly better physically, emotionally and spiritually. And yet I'm well aware of the other issues I have, that I've already shared, with body image. And I know the danger of getting caught back up in that again. So I pray that God would set me free from both setting my heart's affections on food instead of on Him, and from setting my heart's affections on getting down to a certain size and looking a certain way instead of Him. Lord, please do it.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Update
I'm back on the full dose of Amitriptyline. The pain continued to increase even though I was going to MotionCare. I thought this was really making a difference, but I wonder now if it was because the Amitriptyline took awhile to leave my system. I still think MotionCare has done more for me than any Chiropractor did, and I plan to go there semi-regularly. At any rate, I believe that this is God's will for me to be on this and experience the weight gain as God continues to sanctify me. I am amazed at His incessant love. I praise Him that He gives me, not what I necessarily ask for, but what He knows I truly need. There is so much more that I want to write, but this is just a quick update because I haven't posted in so long. MORE TO COME...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Striving to be God-focused/Not self-focused
Well, it’s been one month since I last wrote. I have been to four appointments at MotionCare and my neck has been significantly better. (Until yesterday morning that is). I woke up yesterday with soreness in my neck and back for the first time since going to this clinic. I’ve been raving to everyone I meet with neck or back pain that this is the first place I’ve been to in 15+ years that has made a significant difference. I do still believe it's better though because the pain I’ve had isn’t as intense as usual and bizarrely enough, the pain is in different areas. For years I would use my TheraCane to do “trigger point” therapy on myself and the trigger points were always in the same places. But now they’re in a different area and the pain seems more manageable. Plus I’m down to 10mg of my Amitriptyline, which is also very significant. I hesitate to go off the Amitriptyline completely because it has helped my allergies SO much and the diff. allergy meds I tried while off the Amitrip. caused side effects that were very annoying. And also the fact that night time has always been my worst pain times and I take this pill at night.
I’ve been on the 10mg dose now for about 3-4 wks, and have only lost about 2-3 lbs. I actually did lose 5 lbs in the first 2 wks by eating very moderately and exercising regularly, but once again I found myself sliding into a pattern of striving to lose weight for the sake of looking good instead of seeking to glorify God by taking care of my body, and I ended up gaining some back. :-/ There is a great tension there between the motives for me, and they seem to fluctuate back and forth. I’ve realized that I will probably never have perfect motives in this life, but I refuse to give in to this incessant flesh! What is it about the sinful nature that SO longs to look great in front of others (physically, intellectually…etc)? I have visions of Satan wanting the other angels to worship Him instead of God. I’m not saying that we all necessarily want others to “worship” us, but aren’t all self-centered, self-focused motives an attempt to take glory away from God and divert it to ourselves? My greatest desire is that God would simply continue to decrease my self-obsession and increase my Christ-obsession, for His glory and for what I KNOW is my overwelming joy! And I have confidence that He will!
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6
I’ve been on the 10mg dose now for about 3-4 wks, and have only lost about 2-3 lbs. I actually did lose 5 lbs in the first 2 wks by eating very moderately and exercising regularly, but once again I found myself sliding into a pattern of striving to lose weight for the sake of looking good instead of seeking to glorify God by taking care of my body, and I ended up gaining some back. :-/ There is a great tension there between the motives for me, and they seem to fluctuate back and forth. I’ve realized that I will probably never have perfect motives in this life, but I refuse to give in to this incessant flesh! What is it about the sinful nature that SO longs to look great in front of others (physically, intellectually…etc)? I have visions of Satan wanting the other angels to worship Him instead of God. I’m not saying that we all necessarily want others to “worship” us, but aren’t all self-centered, self-focused motives an attempt to take glory away from God and divert it to ourselves? My greatest desire is that God would simply continue to decrease my self-obsession and increase my Christ-obsession, for His glory and for what I KNOW is my overwelming joy! And I have confidence that He will!
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6
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