Another 3+ months gone by as proof of what a derelict blogger I am...I've been debating whether or not to even continue the blog, but if you're reading this, girls, then it's worth continuing to post. :)
Well, I've been off all medications since March 9th, so one and a half months today! For the first month off the meds, I was virtually pain free. I've had some pain return, but I believe it is stress related. About the time I was going off the medication, a co-worker introduced me to a book by Dr. John Sarno. It's called "Healing Back Pain" (The Mind-Body Connection). I'm not going to go into what the book says, because it would take long to explain, but I HIGHLY recommend it if anyone reading this is suffering from chronic back/neck pain or even fibromyalgia/Myofascial pain or a host of other chronic pain syndromes. The only thing I don't like about the book is that Dr. Sarno is not a Christian and talks about evolution. I simply put his clinical findings through my biblical-worldview lens and I am even more in wonder at how God has made the human body.
Anyway, I believe what he teaches in this book is true. And to just give an extremely brief synopsis: After working as a specialist in the field of back and neck problems for years and years, he discovered that the vast majority of sufferers of chronic neck and back pain (and other pain syndromes) experience pain that is related to the repression of tension and not to any structural problems at all. My pain has significantly declined since reading the book and I have not even been taking Aleve.
One of my daughters asked me, "Mom, are you upset that you wasted all that time on medication and going to doctors and being in pain all that time?" and I said, "No, because ALL of that was part of God's sovereign plan for me. God used the pain to bring me to a doctor who put me on a medication that caused me to gain weight in order to teach me some serious lessons about how how seriously off course I have been in regards to my perfectionistic mind-set concerning my body. Nothing is wasted with God and I'm thankful for His hand in every single occurance of my life. Yes, I believe that He is THAT sovereign and I'm thankful for it.
"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." - Proverbs 16:9
I will try to give more frequent updates. As I said, I went a literal month with no pain at all. I have had some return pain, but I'm convinced it's strictly stress-related, and I'm learning a lot right now about what an anxious person I am and how my continuing repression of my emotions is directly related to my pain. And I have great hope that God will continue to teach me all that He wants me to know.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My neighbor from our culdesac was out walking his dog today. He does this every day since he had open-heart surgery. I couldn't help notice the uncanny timing of me walking out to Katy's car (normally I'd drive mine from the garage and so I never would have had the opportunity to talk to him, but I was using her car today) just as he was coming around the corner. I had a sense that this was God's timing and didn't want to waste the opportunity. I have shared the gospel with him and his wife in the past, but we were able to talk for awhile and so I brought it up again and asked him if he had thought about what we talked about before. I think, too often, we think we have to wait for "the topic" to come up naturally, but more and more I feel the urgency to speak truth to people out of love and concern for their souls and pray for God to do a heart change in them. How much time we waste talking about nothing important with people!
He told me that he came very near to death several times. Yet, he said that the after-life is something that he would worry about when he gets there, and right now he only thinks about this life and being a good person, a good citizen. I told him that according to the Bible, once he died, it would be too late and that God has given us Jesus and His Word so that we can know Him now and be prepared for death. I talked about the fact that none of us are "good" people in the sense that God requires, which is why we need Jesus. He didn't seem concerned, and said that he has no fear of death. But as I was standing there, I felt so aware of the fact that God may, perhaps, use my words and prayers to bring this man to repentance and faith in Jesus. If you're reading this, please pray for him and his family. His name is Terry and his wife is Julie.
I pray that God would help me to be bolder as I get older and not take the easy path and waste my time talking about nothing significant.
"How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?" -Romans 10:14
He told me that he came very near to death several times. Yet, he said that the after-life is something that he would worry about when he gets there, and right now he only thinks about this life and being a good person, a good citizen. I told him that according to the Bible, once he died, it would be too late and that God has given us Jesus and His Word so that we can know Him now and be prepared for death. I talked about the fact that none of us are "good" people in the sense that God requires, which is why we need Jesus. He didn't seem concerned, and said that he has no fear of death. But as I was standing there, I felt so aware of the fact that God may, perhaps, use my words and prayers to bring this man to repentance and faith in Jesus. If you're reading this, please pray for him and his family. His name is Terry and his wife is Julie.
I pray that God would help me to be bolder as I get older and not take the easy path and waste my time talking about nothing significant.
"How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?" -Romans 10:14
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Very Convicting Message by Francis Chan
My daughter posted this video on Facebook of Francis Chan preaching a message that is very convicting and I'm posting it here because I can't recommend it more highly.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
As you can see, I'm a lousy blogger. I could say I'm too busy, but mostly I just feel like I don't have anything profound to say. It's been 2 1/2 months since I posted and I'm doing well. Pain-wise, I'm doing great. I haven't had any major issues with muscle spasms in a few months and I haven't had to temporarily up the medication, like I have in the past, because I've built up a tolerance. And I've been sleeping well (except for the past few nights as I've been fighting a miserable cold/cough), and so I feel extremely blessed health-wise.
Concerning my on-going battle with food, I'm doing very well (thank you, Lord). I have been eating in moderation since I last posted and I really feel good physically. I'd like to say I'm down to 140, because that's what I was down to 3 days ago, before I contracted this cold, but since the cold put a stop to exercise, I've put 2 lbs back on. I'm not upset about it though. I really do feel like I'm growing in my ability to eat healthy (and in moderation) because it honors God and it's good for my body, and feel my desire for a perfect size 6 shrinking (don't know if It'll ever be 100% in this life, though).
I'm realizing lately what an addictive personality I have (maybe "obsessive" would be a better choice of words). I remember our pastor once saying that when he gets a new pack of gum, he chews every piece, one right after the other, till it's gone. That's me. If I start something new, I can't think of anything but that new project (ok, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean). So it isn't difficult for me to turn my affections and attention away from God to immerse myself in whatever the latest project, hobbie or interest I happen to be involved in. I'm also realizing that skimping on my time with the Lord and instead, immersing myself in hobbies, tv, food, or whatever else, never ever ever ever ever ever ever (i know that's a lot of "evers" but I'm 44) leads to happiness, peace and contentment. Just the opposite, in-fact. It leads to an appetite that's never satisfied. A verse comes to mind: "Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and never satisfied are the eyes of man." - Proverbs 27:20. When I set my affections on created things rather than the Creator, I want more, more, MORE! And yet I'm never satisfied.
Not only is it my duty to obey and give glory to the God, (through Jesus) who created me, but I am never truly satisfied unless I'm doing just that. I wonder how many more times I'll have to learn this again before I die. Thank-you, Jesus.
Concerning my on-going battle with food, I'm doing very well (thank you, Lord). I have been eating in moderation since I last posted and I really feel good physically. I'd like to say I'm down to 140, because that's what I was down to 3 days ago, before I contracted this cold, but since the cold put a stop to exercise, I've put 2 lbs back on. I'm not upset about it though. I really do feel like I'm growing in my ability to eat healthy (and in moderation) because it honors God and it's good for my body, and feel my desire for a perfect size 6 shrinking (don't know if It'll ever be 100% in this life, though).
I'm realizing lately what an addictive personality I have (maybe "obsessive" would be a better choice of words). I remember our pastor once saying that when he gets a new pack of gum, he chews every piece, one right after the other, till it's gone. That's me. If I start something new, I can't think of anything but that new project (ok, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean). So it isn't difficult for me to turn my affections and attention away from God to immerse myself in whatever the latest project, hobbie or interest I happen to be involved in. I'm also realizing that skimping on my time with the Lord and instead, immersing myself in hobbies, tv, food, or whatever else, never ever ever ever ever ever ever (i know that's a lot of "evers" but I'm 44) leads to happiness, peace and contentment. Just the opposite, in-fact. It leads to an appetite that's never satisfied. A verse comes to mind: "Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and never satisfied are the eyes of man." - Proverbs 27:20. When I set my affections on created things rather than the Creator, I want more, more, MORE! And yet I'm never satisfied.
Not only is it my duty to obey and give glory to the God, (through Jesus) who created me, but I am never truly satisfied unless I'm doing just that. I wonder how many more times I'll have to learn this again before I die. Thank-you, Jesus.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The saga continues...
I haven't had any sugar in 2 months. I've lost 10 lbs. I feel great and I'm off my medication. Ok, now back to reality: I've eaten sugar off and on. I still weigh 150 lbs. I don't feel that great, and I'm on my full dose of medication. But the good news is that I feel God at work in removing my perfectionistic obsession with body size. I can actually look at myself in a full mirror without cringing, and determining to do everything in my power to lose it all, and fast! I prayed for months (before I went on the medication) that God would set me free from this perfectionism (which is just another word for self-obsession), so I have no doubt that this is all part of His loving, and good plan to free me. I can see His hand at work, even in my growing desire to be more like Jesus and less like a perfect size 6.
I am still trying to deal with my sugar addiction though, because it does tend to get out of control for me and become an idol in my life, which I don't want. I've basically declared war on sugar desserts, and I'm experimenting to see if it works to allow myself one dessert a week. So far this has been working (and I've been on it for a WHOLE week, so I know it'll last! haha). But we'll see. If it doesn't work then I think I'll just have to have a going-away-party for desserts (I'll only serve vegetables). Seriously, it is easier for me to totally abstain from desserts than to just eat regularly in moderation. I did it for about 2 yrs many moons ago. The sad thing is, the reason that it was so easy back then is because I had a passionate goal: To be and stay thin. The sad part being that I had more passion and determination to eat healthy when it was for self-exaltation than I do when it's to exalt God with my eating/abstaining. I pray that He increases my passion for His glory.
I really am amazed at how God works through all of our difficulties, pain, (and even our sins) to change us. He wastes nothing. This makes me think about other ways in which God has changed/is changing me and how so often it is through pain that He works. Even pain inflicted by another person's sin. Our pastor wrote an article called, "Is God less glorious because He ordained that evil be?" This is an amazing sermon that opened my eyes to God's sovereignty over sin as seen in Scripture. I'd encourage you to read it here.
I am still trying to deal with my sugar addiction though, because it does tend to get out of control for me and become an idol in my life, which I don't want. I've basically declared war on sugar desserts, and I'm experimenting to see if it works to allow myself one dessert a week. So far this has been working (and I've been on it for a WHOLE week, so I know it'll last! haha). But we'll see. If it doesn't work then I think I'll just have to have a going-away-party for desserts (I'll only serve vegetables). Seriously, it is easier for me to totally abstain from desserts than to just eat regularly in moderation. I did it for about 2 yrs many moons ago. The sad thing is, the reason that it was so easy back then is because I had a passionate goal: To be and stay thin. The sad part being that I had more passion and determination to eat healthy when it was for self-exaltation than I do when it's to exalt God with my eating/abstaining. I pray that He increases my passion for His glory.
I really am amazed at how God works through all of our difficulties, pain, (and even our sins) to change us. He wastes nothing. This makes me think about other ways in which God has changed/is changing me and how so often it is through pain that He works. Even pain inflicted by another person's sin. Our pastor wrote an article called, "Is God less glorious because He ordained that evil be?" This is an amazing sermon that opened my eyes to God's sovereignty over sin as seen in Scripture. I'd encourage you to read it here.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Food Idolatry
Well, here's where I am on this roller-coaster ride of chronic pain and medication: For two reasons I started to go down on the meds again a couple weeks ago. 1. I was experiencing one of the side effects (dry mouth) much more acutely than I had on the full dose ever before. I don't know if this was because I repeatedly went on and off of it several times or what, but the dry mouth got so bad that sometimes I would literally choke for no moisture in my mouth. Especially at night I would wake up several times and literally have to sit up quickly and grab the water bottle on my nightstand because I was choking. 2. Even though I seemed to plateau at 150 lbs., I felt increasingly tight in all my new (used) larger sized clothes that I had bought (I won't say what size - 150 lbs is discriptive enough :)
The first reason was definately the more serious one that really moved me to start tapering again, but the thought of going out and buying new clothes again in a bigger size didn't thrill me either. So, now I have been sitting at 30mg (I topped at between 50-60) for about a week, and then 2 days ago I had another neck spasm that increased the pain greatly. But I'm treating it and continuing to stay on the same dose. Going down to 30 mg has taken away the more serious dry mouth that I had, but didn't get rid of my weight gain so much, and this leads me to my next topic: Dealing with my over-eating and food idolatry.
Food. It's hard to live with it (in a way that's healthy and honoring to God), but you can't live without it. When I was younger I could eat as much as I wanted without really gaining weight. So I did. After age 33, when my relationship really grew (or began?) with Christ, his Spirit gradually started convincting me of my gluttony. You know, eating a 2nd or 3rd helping when 1 was sufficient. Eating 6 pieces of pizza and then 2 desserts when 2 or 3 pieces and one dessert was plenty. Sugar is especially a problem for me. Over the years I've had little bouts of what I would describe as "binges". I'd eat normally for awhile and then some stress would arise or maybe I was even just bored and I'd find myself eating and eating way past the point of hunger, sometimes even to the point of nausea.
I remember reading a book awhile ago called, "Diary of a Fat Housewife." At the time I was not over-weight, but I recognized in her the same continuous up and down roller-coaster ride with food addiction. Being very careful and eating in moderation, and then eating way too much (repeat). And like her, a lot of my binges centered around sweets. I've long known that I need to stay away from sweets. But inevitably I convince myself that I can handle them in moderation. Sometimes I can, but typically I begin to recognize that I'm eating too much of them and that I need to stop all together and that's when I binge..you know, get as much as I can before I have to stop.
So why is this so important to me? Because I know in my heart that food often turns to idolatry and I too often love it and treasure it more than I do God, which is a sin. And I know that all of the happiness that I get from over-eating inevitably leads to emptiness and depression and I don't want to succumb to these deceptive temptations any longer. I know that it is only in Christ that I can find true joy and satisfaction, not in over-eating or even in food. And I want to pursue and serve Him with all my heart and soul.
For no one can serve two masters, for he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. - Matthew 6:24
I realize that this passage is talking about money, but I could easily insert "food" there, and it is so true that when I am in the midst of my over-eating, I am turning away from God and serving my gluttony, and I don't want to do that. So here I am. For the past week I have been eating only enough to fill me up, I have eaten no desserts, and I have lost a few lbs and feel amazingly better physically, emotionally and spiritually. And yet I'm well aware of the other issues I have, that I've already shared, with body image. And I know the danger of getting caught back up in that again. So I pray that God would set me free from both setting my heart's affections on food instead of on Him, and from setting my heart's affections on getting down to a certain size and looking a certain way instead of Him. Lord, please do it.
The first reason was definately the more serious one that really moved me to start tapering again, but the thought of going out and buying new clothes again in a bigger size didn't thrill me either. So, now I have been sitting at 30mg (I topped at between 50-60) for about a week, and then 2 days ago I had another neck spasm that increased the pain greatly. But I'm treating it and continuing to stay on the same dose. Going down to 30 mg has taken away the more serious dry mouth that I had, but didn't get rid of my weight gain so much, and this leads me to my next topic: Dealing with my over-eating and food idolatry.
Food. It's hard to live with it (in a way that's healthy and honoring to God), but you can't live without it. When I was younger I could eat as much as I wanted without really gaining weight. So I did. After age 33, when my relationship really grew (or began?) with Christ, his Spirit gradually started convincting me of my gluttony. You know, eating a 2nd or 3rd helping when 1 was sufficient. Eating 6 pieces of pizza and then 2 desserts when 2 or 3 pieces and one dessert was plenty. Sugar is especially a problem for me. Over the years I've had little bouts of what I would describe as "binges". I'd eat normally for awhile and then some stress would arise or maybe I was even just bored and I'd find myself eating and eating way past the point of hunger, sometimes even to the point of nausea.
I remember reading a book awhile ago called, "Diary of a Fat Housewife." At the time I was not over-weight, but I recognized in her the same continuous up and down roller-coaster ride with food addiction. Being very careful and eating in moderation, and then eating way too much (repeat). And like her, a lot of my binges centered around sweets. I've long known that I need to stay away from sweets. But inevitably I convince myself that I can handle them in moderation. Sometimes I can, but typically I begin to recognize that I'm eating too much of them and that I need to stop all together and that's when I binge..you know, get as much as I can before I have to stop.
So why is this so important to me? Because I know in my heart that food often turns to idolatry and I too often love it and treasure it more than I do God, which is a sin. And I know that all of the happiness that I get from over-eating inevitably leads to emptiness and depression and I don't want to succumb to these deceptive temptations any longer. I know that it is only in Christ that I can find true joy and satisfaction, not in over-eating or even in food. And I want to pursue and serve Him with all my heart and soul.
For no one can serve two masters, for he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. - Matthew 6:24
I realize that this passage is talking about money, but I could easily insert "food" there, and it is so true that when I am in the midst of my over-eating, I am turning away from God and serving my gluttony, and I don't want to do that. So here I am. For the past week I have been eating only enough to fill me up, I have eaten no desserts, and I have lost a few lbs and feel amazingly better physically, emotionally and spiritually. And yet I'm well aware of the other issues I have, that I've already shared, with body image. And I know the danger of getting caught back up in that again. So I pray that God would set me free from both setting my heart's affections on food instead of on Him, and from setting my heart's affections on getting down to a certain size and looking a certain way instead of Him. Lord, please do it.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Update
I'm back on the full dose of Amitriptyline. The pain continued to increase even though I was going to MotionCare. I thought this was really making a difference, but I wonder now if it was because the Amitriptyline took awhile to leave my system. I still think MotionCare has done more for me than any Chiropractor did, and I plan to go there semi-regularly. At any rate, I believe that this is God's will for me to be on this and experience the weight gain as God continues to sanctify me. I am amazed at His incessant love. I praise Him that He gives me, not what I necessarily ask for, but what He knows I truly need. There is so much more that I want to write, but this is just a quick update because I haven't posted in so long. MORE TO COME...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Striving to be God-focused/Not self-focused
Well, it’s been one month since I last wrote. I have been to four appointments at MotionCare and my neck has been significantly better. (Until yesterday morning that is). I woke up yesterday with soreness in my neck and back for the first time since going to this clinic. I’ve been raving to everyone I meet with neck or back pain that this is the first place I’ve been to in 15+ years that has made a significant difference. I do still believe it's better though because the pain I’ve had isn’t as intense as usual and bizarrely enough, the pain is in different areas. For years I would use my TheraCane to do “trigger point” therapy on myself and the trigger points were always in the same places. But now they’re in a different area and the pain seems more manageable. Plus I’m down to 10mg of my Amitriptyline, which is also very significant. I hesitate to go off the Amitriptyline completely because it has helped my allergies SO much and the diff. allergy meds I tried while off the Amitrip. caused side effects that were very annoying. And also the fact that night time has always been my worst pain times and I take this pill at night.
I’ve been on the 10mg dose now for about 3-4 wks, and have only lost about 2-3 lbs. I actually did lose 5 lbs in the first 2 wks by eating very moderately and exercising regularly, but once again I found myself sliding into a pattern of striving to lose weight for the sake of looking good instead of seeking to glorify God by taking care of my body, and I ended up gaining some back. :-/ There is a great tension there between the motives for me, and they seem to fluctuate back and forth. I’ve realized that I will probably never have perfect motives in this life, but I refuse to give in to this incessant flesh! What is it about the sinful nature that SO longs to look great in front of others (physically, intellectually…etc)? I have visions of Satan wanting the other angels to worship Him instead of God. I’m not saying that we all necessarily want others to “worship” us, but aren’t all self-centered, self-focused motives an attempt to take glory away from God and divert it to ourselves? My greatest desire is that God would simply continue to decrease my self-obsession and increase my Christ-obsession, for His glory and for what I KNOW is my overwelming joy! And I have confidence that He will!
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6
I’ve been on the 10mg dose now for about 3-4 wks, and have only lost about 2-3 lbs. I actually did lose 5 lbs in the first 2 wks by eating very moderately and exercising regularly, but once again I found myself sliding into a pattern of striving to lose weight for the sake of looking good instead of seeking to glorify God by taking care of my body, and I ended up gaining some back. :-/ There is a great tension there between the motives for me, and they seem to fluctuate back and forth. I’ve realized that I will probably never have perfect motives in this life, but I refuse to give in to this incessant flesh! What is it about the sinful nature that SO longs to look great in front of others (physically, intellectually…etc)? I have visions of Satan wanting the other angels to worship Him instead of God. I’m not saying that we all necessarily want others to “worship” us, but aren’t all self-centered, self-focused motives an attempt to take glory away from God and divert it to ourselves? My greatest desire is that God would simply continue to decrease my self-obsession and increase my Christ-obsession, for His glory and for what I KNOW is my overwelming joy! And I have confidence that He will!
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The Joy of Sanctification
I was at Walmart a few weeks ago and Melissa (my daughter) called me on my cell to ask if I would buy a scale (we haven't had one since I threw our other one away after I weighed in at the doctor and saw that I was about 6 lbs heavier than my scale showed). So I bought it (regretfully). I was surprised, when I stepped on it, to find that I was at 150 lbs! I don't think I even reached 150 lbs with any of my pregnancies. Maybe with Angela, but I was back down to 110 by the time she was 6 mos.
I've been very tempted these last few weeks to go on the non weight-gaining $50/month medication simply because I’m not sure if, (since I went off the medicine for a few months and went back on again) I will continue gaining more and more weight. I kind of peaked at about 146 when I was on it before and the fact that I started gaining again is a bit scary. But I did some internet research on the new medicine and don't like what I saw people post about it’s side effects at all. So after praying that God would give me some sort of sign to assure me that I could go on this new medication (it‘s only 2-3 months on the market), he scared me away from it. lol
He is working mightily through all of this. Sanctifying me. I know this may sound foreign to anyone who has not battled with a poor self-image, or should I say, anyone who hasn’t lived their life believing that their total self-worth was tied up in how they look (although having self-worth tied up in job or friends or anything other than God isn't any better). Yet at times I feel embarrassed to even write this kind of stuff in my blog. Sometimes I feel like maybe it's just me. But I know that's not true. I can see, even in my own daughters, the effects of a culture that is screaming everywhere, to girls, that beauty is everything. I grew up with it.
I am so grateful to God for this trial. I am learning to really believe that my body is not me. It does not define me or my value. I have a long way to go for sure, but I am seeing changes in my thinking. When I first began putting on weight and up until very recently in-fact, I felt as though I were hovering between two resting places. On one side, I saw rest with God….a looking away from self to Him and finding my peace and confidence in Him. And on the other side I saw a very comfortable and familiar rest with self….an obsessive looking to self, (my body, my looks) and desiring so strongly to pour myself into that (knocking myself out exercising and dieting to lose weight) so that I could find peace and confidence in me. I felt torn between these two (I actually still do sometimes). My flesh wanted to continue the well-trodden path I’d been on, but I knew that there was no real peace and rest there at all, and so I strongly desired to be where I knew I'd find true rest.
The problem was that I couldn’t (for quite awhile) rest in either place. Every time I tried to turn my focus to self for peace, I felt the hand of God moving it away. (Examples: Allowing *ordaining* ailments that caused me to go on the meds in the first place/ Causing a recurrence of pain after I went off the meds so I had to go back on/Closing doors to try other medications/A general feeling of prodding by God to not turn to self…even an inability to rest there I‘d say). Yet, when I tried to get to the side where my true peace and rest could be found, I just didn’t know how to get there. I couldn’t make myself stop feeling like I had to prove my self worth by losing the weight. This sort of “rest” was so ingrained in me. But over time, through prayerful pleadings that God would help me to rest in Him instead of self, and quoting the truth (Scripture) to counteract the lies (the flesh, the culture, Satan), I feel like I have made much progress toward resting in Him, and who I am in Him, instead of what I look like in this body. I’m not saying the struggle is over. But I am hopeful and joyful as I continue to move closer to true rest in God and further from false rest in self.
I've been very tempted these last few weeks to go on the non weight-gaining $50/month medication simply because I’m not sure if, (since I went off the medicine for a few months and went back on again) I will continue gaining more and more weight. I kind of peaked at about 146 when I was on it before and the fact that I started gaining again is a bit scary. But I did some internet research on the new medicine and don't like what I saw people post about it’s side effects at all. So after praying that God would give me some sort of sign to assure me that I could go on this new medication (it‘s only 2-3 months on the market), he scared me away from it. lol
He is working mightily through all of this. Sanctifying me. I know this may sound foreign to anyone who has not battled with a poor self-image, or should I say, anyone who hasn’t lived their life believing that their total self-worth was tied up in how they look (although having self-worth tied up in job or friends or anything other than God isn't any better). Yet at times I feel embarrassed to even write this kind of stuff in my blog. Sometimes I feel like maybe it's just me. But I know that's not true. I can see, even in my own daughters, the effects of a culture that is screaming everywhere, to girls, that beauty is everything. I grew up with it.
I am so grateful to God for this trial. I am learning to really believe that my body is not me. It does not define me or my value. I have a long way to go for sure, but I am seeing changes in my thinking. When I first began putting on weight and up until very recently in-fact, I felt as though I were hovering between two resting places. On one side, I saw rest with God….a looking away from self to Him and finding my peace and confidence in Him. And on the other side I saw a very comfortable and familiar rest with self….an obsessive looking to self, (my body, my looks) and desiring so strongly to pour myself into that (knocking myself out exercising and dieting to lose weight) so that I could find peace and confidence in me. I felt torn between these two (I actually still do sometimes). My flesh wanted to continue the well-trodden path I’d been on, but I knew that there was no real peace and rest there at all, and so I strongly desired to be where I knew I'd find true rest.
The problem was that I couldn’t (for quite awhile) rest in either place. Every time I tried to turn my focus to self for peace, I felt the hand of God moving it away. (Examples: Allowing *ordaining* ailments that caused me to go on the meds in the first place/ Causing a recurrence of pain after I went off the meds so I had to go back on/Closing doors to try other medications/A general feeling of prodding by God to not turn to self…even an inability to rest there I‘d say). Yet, when I tried to get to the side where my true peace and rest could be found, I just didn’t know how to get there. I couldn’t make myself stop feeling like I had to prove my self worth by losing the weight. This sort of “rest” was so ingrained in me. But over time, through prayerful pleadings that God would help me to rest in Him instead of self, and quoting the truth (Scripture) to counteract the lies (the flesh, the culture, Satan), I feel like I have made much progress toward resting in Him, and who I am in Him, instead of what I look like in this body. I’m not saying the struggle is over. But I am hopeful and joyful as I continue to move closer to true rest in God and further from false rest in self.
Friday, January 8, 2010
UPDATE: It looks like I will be staying on the Amitriptyline for now. And I am fine with that. I really do see a noticeable change in my thinking as I deal with the fact that I am unable to diet and exercise my way back down to a size 6. This is good for me. Sometime soon I want to do a post about how being on this medicine is also changing my relationship with food (for the better).
Monday, January 4, 2010
The Pain of Sanctification
Well, it’s been almost a month since my painful wake-up in the middle of the night. I’ve had an MRI and I’ve been to my regular physician, a neck/back specialist and my neurologist. The results of the MRI is that I have a mild extrusion of the disc in the C5-C6 area of my neck (a bulging disc). I also have the same in my low back, which has been causing pain problems again. I’m off the muscle relaxants and the ibuprofin, but I’m back on “amitriptyline”, which is a chronic pain medication that I just got off of in August after being on for a year and a half. My neurologist prescribed this after diagnosing me with Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome, which is sort of like Fibromyalgia, but not as bad. The only symptoms I really have from it are a burning like pain throughout my neck, face, chest and arms periodically. It kind of feels like sunburn. And I also have pressure points all along the sides of my body that hurt if I press on them. Sometimes my husband will just tap me and it will hurt. I probably wouldn’t have stayed on it, but the pain medicine helped my neck pain so much that I did.
I spoke in my last post about God using pain to sanctify us, to make us more like Christ. And I am not unaware of how God has been using my pain to sanctify me. For one, pain humbles me. It makes me kinder. Maybe it does the opposite for some. But physical and severe emotional pain makes me feel weak and it slows me down so that I don’t react to things as fast (like snapping at Rich or the kids) and it just overall makes me gentler and quieter. God has used pain to bring me to this state many times. One time I had 3 canker sores in my mouth (one on my tongue) and I literally couldn’t talk without severe pain for several days. That was a good learning time for me.
Besides just generally causing me to slow down and quiet and humble me, here is how I believe God is using my pain and situation to sanctify me: Since I was a teenager I have always had an obsession about my appearance and my weight. Struggling with acne probably (it did) brought about my obsession with my appearance, and I suspect that the combination of dissatisfaction with myself and compliments from others about my petite size made me sort of latch on to this body image as the thing that made me count for anything. I had always been a size 6 or smaller (except when I was pregnant with Angela -my first) and even then I exercised to extreme afterward, even injuring my knee in the process.
Several years ago, I began to realize that this preoccupation with my body and appearance were sinful, and God showed me how caught up I was in this and how much my sense of value was caught up in this and I confessed my sin to Him and asked him to help me let go of this, focus on Him, and value myself in a godly way. Well, this is a lot easier said than done. Especially when I was so used to these feelings and this inner thought life…it permeated my very being. Well, I continued to wrestle with this and pray about it, asking God to help me in this area and give me godly thoughts, and then (2-2 ½ years ago), after finishing physical therapy for my neck and back at Sister Kenny, I was having severe burning pain as I described above and was diagnosed with the Chronic Myofascial, and the doctor prescribed amitriptyline. One of the side effects, (that I didn’t know at the time) was “excessive weight gain”. I eventually gained 25 lbs on this medication and when I realized this was happening because of the medicine and that no matter how much I exercised or restricted my eating, I couldn’t lose the weight, I made an appt. with my neurologist to talk about switching medications. Prior to this, we had gone through some severe financial woes and we were on a very strict budget. Well, the other medication that the doctor wanted to put me on would cost me too much out of pocket. We couldn’t afford it. So I went home and continued to struggle with anxiety as the pounds were being put on. For many, this would not be a big deal. For me, it was a horrendous feeling of losing control and of utter disgust with myself.
Well, God allowed me to battle through these feelings and make progress. I dealt with and prayed through these feelings I was having and felt good about the progress I was making. My neck and back were feeling good and I decided (last August) to take the step of going off the amitriptyline. For 3 ½ months, things went well. I continued to do my stretches daily and my strengthening exercises twice a week and I’d get sore sometimes, but no out of control pain. As the weight began to come off, I found that my thought-life was beginning to fall into old patterns again and I found myself desiring to lose all the weight. In the past, whenever I would gain weight, I would do everything necessary to lose it. I felt that old impulse kick in and yet I knew the motive behind it was not godly, but selfish. It wasn’t about being healthy, and honoring God, but about looking good and drawing attention to myself.
I battled these thoughts and feelings, some days feeling like I was winning and some days losing, till 4 weeks ago, I awoke with searing pain in my neck. Nothing but the amitriptyline gives me real relief. I don’t think this is all a coincidence. I believe that God is in the business of graciously sanctifying me at painful costs. Today I had an appt. with my neurologist. I talked to him again about alternative medications. He gave me some samples of a new one that came out 2 months ago. I called my pharmacy to ask how much this would cost me. They said $50/month. This may not seem like a lot to some, but finances are tight, especially when I’m going to go through more therapy next month, and my amitriptyline cost’s me $3/month. Now I have a decision to make, but I don’t doubt that if I make the wrong one, God will correct me, for my own good, because He loves me and He knows that self-obsession leads to emptiness, dissatisfaction, and depression and God-obsession leads to fullness and satisfaction and joy.
I spoke in my last post about God using pain to sanctify us, to make us more like Christ. And I am not unaware of how God has been using my pain to sanctify me. For one, pain humbles me. It makes me kinder. Maybe it does the opposite for some. But physical and severe emotional pain makes me feel weak and it slows me down so that I don’t react to things as fast (like snapping at Rich or the kids) and it just overall makes me gentler and quieter. God has used pain to bring me to this state many times. One time I had 3 canker sores in my mouth (one on my tongue) and I literally couldn’t talk without severe pain for several days. That was a good learning time for me.
Besides just generally causing me to slow down and quiet and humble me, here is how I believe God is using my pain and situation to sanctify me: Since I was a teenager I have always had an obsession about my appearance and my weight. Struggling with acne probably (it did) brought about my obsession with my appearance, and I suspect that the combination of dissatisfaction with myself and compliments from others about my petite size made me sort of latch on to this body image as the thing that made me count for anything. I had always been a size 6 or smaller (except when I was pregnant with Angela -my first) and even then I exercised to extreme afterward, even injuring my knee in the process.
Several years ago, I began to realize that this preoccupation with my body and appearance were sinful, and God showed me how caught up I was in this and how much my sense of value was caught up in this and I confessed my sin to Him and asked him to help me let go of this, focus on Him, and value myself in a godly way. Well, this is a lot easier said than done. Especially when I was so used to these feelings and this inner thought life…it permeated my very being. Well, I continued to wrestle with this and pray about it, asking God to help me in this area and give me godly thoughts, and then (2-2 ½ years ago), after finishing physical therapy for my neck and back at Sister Kenny, I was having severe burning pain as I described above and was diagnosed with the Chronic Myofascial, and the doctor prescribed amitriptyline. One of the side effects, (that I didn’t know at the time) was “excessive weight gain”. I eventually gained 25 lbs on this medication and when I realized this was happening because of the medicine and that no matter how much I exercised or restricted my eating, I couldn’t lose the weight, I made an appt. with my neurologist to talk about switching medications. Prior to this, we had gone through some severe financial woes and we were on a very strict budget. Well, the other medication that the doctor wanted to put me on would cost me too much out of pocket. We couldn’t afford it. So I went home and continued to struggle with anxiety as the pounds were being put on. For many, this would not be a big deal. For me, it was a horrendous feeling of losing control and of utter disgust with myself.
Well, God allowed me to battle through these feelings and make progress. I dealt with and prayed through these feelings I was having and felt good about the progress I was making. My neck and back were feeling good and I decided (last August) to take the step of going off the amitriptyline. For 3 ½ months, things went well. I continued to do my stretches daily and my strengthening exercises twice a week and I’d get sore sometimes, but no out of control pain. As the weight began to come off, I found that my thought-life was beginning to fall into old patterns again and I found myself desiring to lose all the weight. In the past, whenever I would gain weight, I would do everything necessary to lose it. I felt that old impulse kick in and yet I knew the motive behind it was not godly, but selfish. It wasn’t about being healthy, and honoring God, but about looking good and drawing attention to myself.
I battled these thoughts and feelings, some days feeling like I was winning and some days losing, till 4 weeks ago, I awoke with searing pain in my neck. Nothing but the amitriptyline gives me real relief. I don’t think this is all a coincidence. I believe that God is in the business of graciously sanctifying me at painful costs. Today I had an appt. with my neurologist. I talked to him again about alternative medications. He gave me some samples of a new one that came out 2 months ago. I called my pharmacy to ask how much this would cost me. They said $50/month. This may not seem like a lot to some, but finances are tight, especially when I’m going to go through more therapy next month, and my amitriptyline cost’s me $3/month. Now I have a decision to make, but I don’t doubt that if I make the wrong one, God will correct me, for my own good, because He loves me and He knows that self-obsession leads to emptiness, dissatisfaction, and depression and God-obsession leads to fullness and satisfaction and joy.
Monday, December 14, 2009
God's Sovereignty Over Suffering
I woke up in the middle of the night early last week and I couldn't move my neck. The pain was excruciating. I was able to lay back down and fall asleep but whenever I woke up I could barely move, the pain was so bad. It became so bad in recent days that I couldn't sleep on either side and only on my back for an hour or two at a time without shooting pain. I believe I had (have) multiple muscle spasms in my neck, but am thinking something else might be wrong as well. On top of this, I started working full-time last Monday and so I dragged myself to work each day, popping pain killers and putting a heating pad on during the day at work.
This kind of pain isn't something that I'm unfamiliar with. I've had neck/back problems for the past 15-20 years, and have been to numerous chiropractors, and even did a few months of physical therapy at Sister Kenny Institute about two years ago. But this has probably been the worst because of the intensity and the fact that it doesn't seem to be going away. I had to call in sick on Monday so I could go to the doctor. He gave me some muscle relaxants and pain pills and scheduled an MRI of my neck for this Friday.
Which brings me to my point on God's sovereignty over suffering. It is such a comfort to me to know that God is sovereign over my pain. And I don't just mean that He can heal me if He wants, but rather that He is ordaining/allowing this for my ultimate good (Romans 8:28), my ultimate sanctification, and for His glory. And that this is not just some random occurance based on the condition of muscles, connective tissue and nerves throughout my body, (though that is most probably the second cause of my pain) but that God is the ultimate cause, working it for good.
"Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." - 1 Peter 4:19
"Who has spoken and it came to pass unless the LORD commanded it. Is it not from the Most High that good and bad happen?" - Lamentations 3:37-38
"....we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." - Romans 5:3-5
I want to write more on God's sovereignty through suffering, but my time is limited, so I'll write more next time.
This kind of pain isn't something that I'm unfamiliar with. I've had neck/back problems for the past 15-20 years, and have been to numerous chiropractors, and even did a few months of physical therapy at Sister Kenny Institute about two years ago. But this has probably been the worst because of the intensity and the fact that it doesn't seem to be going away. I had to call in sick on Monday so I could go to the doctor. He gave me some muscle relaxants and pain pills and scheduled an MRI of my neck for this Friday.
Which brings me to my point on God's sovereignty over suffering. It is such a comfort to me to know that God is sovereign over my pain. And I don't just mean that He can heal me if He wants, but rather that He is ordaining/allowing this for my ultimate good (Romans 8:28), my ultimate sanctification, and for His glory. And that this is not just some random occurance based on the condition of muscles, connective tissue and nerves throughout my body, (though that is most probably the second cause of my pain) but that God is the ultimate cause, working it for good.
"Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." - 1 Peter 4:19
"Who has spoken and it came to pass unless the LORD commanded it. Is it not from the Most High that good and bad happen?" - Lamentations 3:37-38
"....we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." - Romans 5:3-5
I want to write more on God's sovereignty through suffering, but my time is limited, so I'll write more next time.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
"They will all be taught of God" - John 6
I just have to give a link to John Piper's sermon from this past Sunday because it is so tied to his sermon the week before, which I already posted. Really, he's going through the whole book of John and I encourage any reading this to watch the series. You can just click on my Desiring God link at the right and look under "sermons". Here is last weeks sermon though. His interpretation of the text is just not what the vast majority of us grew up learning in church. Very eye-opening.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
"There go I but by the grace of God"
I was thinking about this phrase as I was writing my last post. We’ve all heard this phrase. But have you ever really thought about it? When we look at people we know who are lost in sin and refuse to repent and trust in Jesus Christ for salvation, can we honestly say, (and believe) “There go I but by the grace of God”? Do we believe in our hearts that it’s God’s grace that has made the difference in our lives - that it’s because of His grace that I’m going to heaven and that person is not (unless they come to trust in Jesus)? Or do we believe God gives equal grace to all and that the person’s “decision” is what really makes the difference between one going to heaven or hell? One produces an attitude of deep sympathy for people who don’t know Christ because that was me! The other produces an attitude of wondering what in the world is wrong with “other people” that they refuse to humble themselves and turn to Christ. One produces a deep thankfulness to God for what He alone has done. The other produces a more shallow thankfulness for what He and I have done. One produces humility. The other produces pride.
Monday, November 30, 2009
What do I mean by saying "God sovereignly saved me"?
I was talking to a family member recently who does not believe that the Bible teaches God’s sovereignty in saving sinners. At least not in the way that I believe it teaches it. In-fact, I’ve had many conversations with people over the past several years, (since I’ve come to believe what I do) who do not agree with me. I’ve already talked about how my understanding God’s sovereignty in my own salvation has dramatically impacted me. It has driven my faith so much deeper as I’ve come to understand the depth of my own sin and the heights of God’s initial and sustaining grace (in Christ) toward me, and I’ve seen it do the same to others. But ultimately what matters is not how I or anyone else feels about something, but whether or not the Bible teaches it. And because I believe the Bible does in-fact teach this, it's my desire to go into more detail about what I mean when I say that "God sovereignly saved me," in the hopes that someone reading this would also be greatly impacted by these truths, and that God would be glorified by receiving credit for what He alone does in the lives of sinners.
Basically here's what I mean: Scripture teaches that all people are sinners (Romans 3:23). And that, because of our sin, we do not seek, but instead turn away from God (Psalm 14:2; Romans 3:10-11). It teaches that we, in-fact, hate the light (Jesus) and do not come to it because we love our sin (John 3:19-21). Jesus Himself said to his own brothers, “The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify about it that its works are evil.” (John 7:7). So the question becomes: If that's so, then how/why is it that some people actually do come to Jesus in faith? Some would say that God draws all people equally and then each person decides whether or not to turn to Jesus in faith. They would say that without this "drawing" by Jesus, nobody would come to Him and that's what these verses mean. I don't believe Scripture teaches this. I believe it teaches that God saves us by His particular and sovereign grace. That He chooses us based on nothing that we do and nothing good that He sees in us (including a good decision).
Coincidentally, just yesterday, our Pastor preached a sermon on John 6:44. In this passage, Jesus says (to the Jews who were grumbling about what Jesus was telling them), “Do not grumble among yourselves. No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.” Since I believe that truly understanding what Jesus means here will HUGELY impact your life, I encourage you to watch the video (click here) of him preaching this sermon. And I hope and pray you’ll be blessed by it.
Basically here's what I mean: Scripture teaches that all people are sinners (Romans 3:23). And that, because of our sin, we do not seek, but instead turn away from God (Psalm 14:2; Romans 3:10-11). It teaches that we, in-fact, hate the light (Jesus) and do not come to it because we love our sin (John 3:19-21). Jesus Himself said to his own brothers, “The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify about it that its works are evil.” (John 7:7). So the question becomes: If that's so, then how/why is it that some people actually do come to Jesus in faith? Some would say that God draws all people equally and then each person decides whether or not to turn to Jesus in faith. They would say that without this "drawing" by Jesus, nobody would come to Him and that's what these verses mean. I don't believe Scripture teaches this. I believe it teaches that God saves us by His particular and sovereign grace. That He chooses us based on nothing that we do and nothing good that He sees in us (including a good decision).
Coincidentally, just yesterday, our Pastor preached a sermon on John 6:44. In this passage, Jesus says (to the Jews who were grumbling about what Jesus was telling them), “Do not grumble among yourselves. No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.” Since I believe that truly understanding what Jesus means here will HUGELY impact your life, I encourage you to watch the video (click here) of him preaching this sermon. And I hope and pray you’ll be blessed by it.
Monday, November 23, 2009
What We Love/Treasure/Crave/Desire Most
I’ve been learning a lot lately about the desires of my heart. I’m amazed at the intensity of human cravings/desires in general. We all have them. We’re like appetite machines from the time we’re born. And even if the Bible didn’t confirm it, it’s obvious that we are born worshippers. Everybody worships something. In the Old and New Testaments non-Jews (and some Jews) worshipped statues of their man-made gods. Many people in the world still do this, but most Americans don’t. We’re more sophisticated than that. We don’t worship statues, we worship (passionately desire more than anything) money, career, food, sex, drugs, body (fitness), sports, celebrities, tv/entertainment, relationships, family, or many other things. When I think back to my teenage years, it’s easy to identify my heart’s cravings:
1. Love and attention (basically I worshipped “me” - and looked to
guys and people in general to meet this craving)
2. Beauty (ultimately hoping if I were beautiful, it would bring more of #1)
3. Man’s praise (which is really just another way of saying #1 - (self-worship)
4. Entertainment (t.v., movies - distractions from the stress of real life)
These things are not bad in themselves. It’s the intense craving for these things that made them wrong. And as I moved into adulthood, they remained pretty much the same, but “food” was also added to the list. Only in the past 9 years has God really opened my eyes to my sin and the absolute deficiency of all of these things, and the worthiness, beauty and satisfaction of Jesus Christ. In recent years I have (with increasing joy) come to see the Truth of Philippians 3:8:
“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”
I haven’t suffered the loss of all things as the Apostle Paul did, but as I read, hear and study God’s Word, I increasingly understand the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, and that He truly is worth suffering the loss of all things for. Fifteen years ago I would have thought (but not said) that reading my Bible and going to church were boring. I did them out of duty, not desire.
When Nicodemus (a religious ruler of the Jews) went to Jesus and said to Him, "Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him,” Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” (John 3:3) Knowing, following and loving Jesus (being a Christian) isn’t about knowing some facts about Him, following rules or going to church, it’s about being born again by God’s Spirit, having our eyes opened and our hearts changed, coming to Jesus by faith and growing in our understanding of Him, and our love and desire for Him. It’s gradual for sure, and I still struggle with these competing desires, but more and more I’m seeing Christ as the Treasure that He is.
“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” - Matthew 13:44
1. Love and attention (basically I worshipped “me” - and looked to
guys and people in general to meet this craving)
2. Beauty (ultimately hoping if I were beautiful, it would bring more of #1)
3. Man’s praise (which is really just another way of saying #1 - (self-worship)
4. Entertainment (t.v., movies - distractions from the stress of real life)
These things are not bad in themselves. It’s the intense craving for these things that made them wrong. And as I moved into adulthood, they remained pretty much the same, but “food” was also added to the list. Only in the past 9 years has God really opened my eyes to my sin and the absolute deficiency of all of these things, and the worthiness, beauty and satisfaction of Jesus Christ. In recent years I have (with increasing joy) come to see the Truth of Philippians 3:8:
“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”
I haven’t suffered the loss of all things as the Apostle Paul did, but as I read, hear and study God’s Word, I increasingly understand the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, and that He truly is worth suffering the loss of all things for. Fifteen years ago I would have thought (but not said) that reading my Bible and going to church were boring. I did them out of duty, not desire.
When Nicodemus (a religious ruler of the Jews) went to Jesus and said to Him, "Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him,” Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” (John 3:3) Knowing, following and loving Jesus (being a Christian) isn’t about knowing some facts about Him, following rules or going to church, it’s about being born again by God’s Spirit, having our eyes opened and our hearts changed, coming to Jesus by faith and growing in our understanding of Him, and our love and desire for Him. It’s gradual for sure, and I still struggle with these competing desires, but more and more I’m seeing Christ as the Treasure that He is.
“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” - Matthew 13:44
Monday, November 16, 2009
Understanding My Sinfulness
Simon, the Pharisee (Jewish religous leader), had invited Jesus to his house to eat with him and while there, a woman (a sinner, it states) came to Jesus and, as she wiped his feet with her hair and anointed them with ointment, she wept. Well, Simon was indignant that Jesus would associate with such a sinner. Part of Jesus' answer to Simon was, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little loves little." - Luke 7:47
It wasn't that Simon's sins were not that great and this woman's sins were. The point here is that the woman understood what a sinner she was, and therefore, knowing who Jesus was, and that through Him was forgiveness of sin, she loved Him very much. Simon, on the other hand, didn't see himself as very sinful at all, and therefore he loved Jesus very little.
In my last post I shared that understanding God's sovereignty in my own salvation was one way that my love for Him has grown. When I began to see the Biblical reality of God's electing grace, that He chose me, and that if He hadn't I would never have come to Him in faith, the depth of my own sin became clearer. But another thing that helped me to see the depth of my sin was God's law (the 10 commandments) and Jesus' expansion on this in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7. I'll give a brief over-view and close with some final comments.
1. You shall have no other gods before me
2. You shall not make yourself a carved image or bow down to it
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy
5. Honor your father and your mother
6. You shall not murder
7. You shall not commit adultery
8. You shall not steal
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
10. You shall not covet anything that is your neighbors
As I studied the 10 commandments, and Jesus words in the Sermon on the Mount, I realized that I had broken every single one of them repeatedly. I began to see the depth of my sin, which increased my understanding of God's grace in sending Christ to take the punishment for the sins I committed. Most of us think that we're not that bad. We compare ourselves to really bad people, like Hitler or Saddam Hussein, and we think we're not really so bad. We think maybe God is going to grade us (judge us) on the curve. Not so. Jesus said that if we are angry with our brother, we will be liable to judgment. If we say, "You fool!" we are liable to the hell of fire (Matthew 5:22) He said that if we sexually lust after someone other than our spouse, we are guilty of adultery. God will not judge based on deeds only. He will judge thoughts, words and deeds.
If I added up all the times I broke the first commandment alone (not loving God every single day of my life above everything else in my life), my sin record is overwhelming (and that's not even touching the other nine). As the magnitude of my sin has become clearer, the magnitude of God's grace in Jesus Christ, and my need for Jesus has become clearer, and my love for Him has increased greatly.
"Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."- Romans 5:20
It wasn't that Simon's sins were not that great and this woman's sins were. The point here is that the woman understood what a sinner she was, and therefore, knowing who Jesus was, and that through Him was forgiveness of sin, she loved Him very much. Simon, on the other hand, didn't see himself as very sinful at all, and therefore he loved Jesus very little.
In my last post I shared that understanding God's sovereignty in my own salvation was one way that my love for Him has grown. When I began to see the Biblical reality of God's electing grace, that He chose me, and that if He hadn't I would never have come to Him in faith, the depth of my own sin became clearer. But another thing that helped me to see the depth of my sin was God's law (the 10 commandments) and Jesus' expansion on this in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7. I'll give a brief over-view and close with some final comments.
1. You shall have no other gods before me
2. You shall not make yourself a carved image or bow down to it
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy
5. Honor your father and your mother
6. You shall not murder
7. You shall not commit adultery
8. You shall not steal
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
10. You shall not covet anything that is your neighbors
As I studied the 10 commandments, and Jesus words in the Sermon on the Mount, I realized that I had broken every single one of them repeatedly. I began to see the depth of my sin, which increased my understanding of God's grace in sending Christ to take the punishment for the sins I committed. Most of us think that we're not that bad. We compare ourselves to really bad people, like Hitler or Saddam Hussein, and we think we're not really so bad. We think maybe God is going to grade us (judge us) on the curve. Not so. Jesus said that if we are angry with our brother, we will be liable to judgment. If we say, "You fool!" we are liable to the hell of fire (Matthew 5:22) He said that if we sexually lust after someone other than our spouse, we are guilty of adultery. God will not judge based on deeds only. He will judge thoughts, words and deeds.
If I added up all the times I broke the first commandment alone (not loving God every single day of my life above everything else in my life), my sin record is overwhelming (and that's not even touching the other nine). As the magnitude of my sin has become clearer, the magnitude of God's grace in Jesus Christ, and my need for Jesus has become clearer, and my love for Him has increased greatly.
"Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."- Romans 5:20
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
God's Sovereignty
One of the things I've learned in the past 5-6 years that has humbled me and grown my faith in Christ a lot is coming to understand the Biblical truth of God's Sovereignty in every area of life, and particularly in my own salvation. Looking back at my belief system before my insomnia episode, I think that a very big part of the reason that I didn't think that God was really in tune with me and what I was going through is because I didn't understand His sovereignty in my being saved. I thought of the gospel call as sort of this impersonal offer going out to all people everywhere, and whoever decided to believe it and receive it would have eternal life.
Now, while there's definately truth to that. The thing that I didn't understand back then was that the Bible makes it clear that aside from God's Spirit working in us, none of us would turn to Jesus and receive Him by faith, and so God is very intentional in His grace toward sinners.
"The Lord looks down from heaven on the children of man to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one." -Psalm 14:2
"And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, but people loved the darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light lest his deeds should be exposed." - John 3:19-20
There is so much Scripture that speaks of our rebellion, and the fact that none of us would choose to turn to Christ unless a work of grace on God's part takes place first. In the next verse (21) of the John passage I just quoted, John says:
"But whoever does what is true, comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been carried out in God."
It was when I began to truly grasp how personal and intentional this was on God's part that my faith in Christ and all His promises has grown, including the promise to bring to completion the salvation that He began in me (Phil 1:6).
This was a very eye-opening experience for me. At first I didn't think it fair on God's part. But as I studied Scripture, I began to see how truly depraved we are as sinners, and that it is God's sheer grace that saves any of us.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...even as he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world."- Eph 1:3-4
"You did not choose me, but I chose you." - John 15:16
Now, while there's definately truth to that. The thing that I didn't understand back then was that the Bible makes it clear that aside from God's Spirit working in us, none of us would turn to Jesus and receive Him by faith, and so God is very intentional in His grace toward sinners.
"The Lord looks down from heaven on the children of man to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one." -Psalm 14:2
"And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, but people loved the darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light lest his deeds should be exposed." - John 3:19-20
There is so much Scripture that speaks of our rebellion, and the fact that none of us would choose to turn to Christ unless a work of grace on God's part takes place first. In the next verse (21) of the John passage I just quoted, John says:
"But whoever does what is true, comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been carried out in God."
It was when I began to truly grasp how personal and intentional this was on God's part that my faith in Christ and all His promises has grown, including the promise to bring to completion the salvation that He began in me (Phil 1:6).
This was a very eye-opening experience for me. At first I didn't think it fair on God's part. But as I studied Scripture, I began to see how truly depraved we are as sinners, and that it is God's sheer grace that saves any of us.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...even as he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world."- Eph 1:3-4
"You did not choose me, but I chose you." - John 15:16
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Age 33 - What Happened?
pre-post note:
Okay, I've decided to disable the comments on my blog because, well, if I don't see comments, I feel like nobody's reading, and if I feel like nobody's reading, I'm less motivated to post. But, I do appreciate all the encouraging e-mails that I've gotten and please feel free to e-mail anytime. And I will just keep plugging away and hope that some of you will tune in from time to time and be blessed (even if it's just my own kids. hehe).
Okay, what happened at age 33? Well, as I said below, I may have been a bonafide Christian, but if so, my faith was very very weak. Because in the year 2000, I went through a very dark time that left me feeling pretty scared and hopeless. Shortly after we moved to a new home, I experienced the worst insomnia I had ever had before in my life, (I had problems with this in the past) that left me unable to sleep for approx. 2 1/2 months. It is quite a long story actually, too long to post here, but basically what happened is, after trying everything I could think of to make myself fall asleep, (books, friends, relaxation techniques, doctors, sleeping pills) I ended up with severe anxiety and depression (who wouldn't be depressed after not sleeping for 75 days?)
When I look back, I see the grace of God at work. Because even though I prayed and cried out to Him during this time (all night sometimes), my real faith was in "me" finding the right cure for my insomnia. It wasn't that I had no faith that God "could" take this away, but I didn't really believe in my heart of hearts that He was really that in tune to what was going on with me and my puny life, and that He cared so much that He would intervene. But He did, BIG TIME. As I said, it's too long to explain it all, but when I finally got to the end of my options (because nothing was working), and had no where else to turn to but God, He showed up and began to show me how much He really did care and how all-powerful He really is. And I came out of this experience with faith like I'd never had before, and this faith has continued to grow over the past 10 years.
Now some people have told me they thought this was my point of conversion because this was also the point where I really began to understand that God's grace and love, (through what Christ accomplished at the cross) were free and unconditional. Before this, I so often felt like God was angry with me much of the time. But this experience left me feeling very free from this (though God has shown me very clearly that He also loves me too much to let me remain in sin and will discipline when necessary). Others have thought that I was a believer before age 33 but that I was probably just a baby Christian with very weak faith. I don't know. But I do know that I am sooo incredibly thankful to God for allowing this experience to bring about faith or to grow my faith deeply, because I have never been the same since.
Okay, I've decided to disable the comments on my blog because, well, if I don't see comments, I feel like nobody's reading, and if I feel like nobody's reading, I'm less motivated to post. But, I do appreciate all the encouraging e-mails that I've gotten and please feel free to e-mail anytime. And I will just keep plugging away and hope that some of you will tune in from time to time and be blessed (even if it's just my own kids. hehe).
Okay, what happened at age 33? Well, as I said below, I may have been a bonafide Christian, but if so, my faith was very very weak. Because in the year 2000, I went through a very dark time that left me feeling pretty scared and hopeless. Shortly after we moved to a new home, I experienced the worst insomnia I had ever had before in my life, (I had problems with this in the past) that left me unable to sleep for approx. 2 1/2 months. It is quite a long story actually, too long to post here, but basically what happened is, after trying everything I could think of to make myself fall asleep, (books, friends, relaxation techniques, doctors, sleeping pills) I ended up with severe anxiety and depression (who wouldn't be depressed after not sleeping for 75 days?)
When I look back, I see the grace of God at work. Because even though I prayed and cried out to Him during this time (all night sometimes), my real faith was in "me" finding the right cure for my insomnia. It wasn't that I had no faith that God "could" take this away, but I didn't really believe in my heart of hearts that He was really that in tune to what was going on with me and my puny life, and that He cared so much that He would intervene. But He did, BIG TIME. As I said, it's too long to explain it all, but when I finally got to the end of my options (because nothing was working), and had no where else to turn to but God, He showed up and began to show me how much He really did care and how all-powerful He really is. And I came out of this experience with faith like I'd never had before, and this faith has continued to grow over the past 10 years.
Now some people have told me they thought this was my point of conversion because this was also the point where I really began to understand that God's grace and love, (through what Christ accomplished at the cross) were free and unconditional. Before this, I so often felt like God was angry with me much of the time. But this experience left me feeling very free from this (though God has shown me very clearly that He also loves me too much to let me remain in sin and will discipline when necessary). Others have thought that I was a believer before age 33 but that I was probably just a baby Christian with very weak faith. I don't know. But I do know that I am sooo incredibly thankful to God for allowing this experience to bring about faith or to grow my faith deeply, because I have never been the same since.
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